I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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