i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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