You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize