This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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