we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
