but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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