apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
