:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
