Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
