i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm determined to sit on that face.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
