Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
