I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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