I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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