Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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