Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
