I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
