I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
