her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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