Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
