I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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