In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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