I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
