You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
