Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
