there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
