just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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