Apparently you make a good broom.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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