Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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