bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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