i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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