I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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