How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
