I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
