Swine flu. Run for my life!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize