Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
