How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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