tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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