There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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