Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
