my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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