and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
