So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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