the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
