She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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