I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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