I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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