so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I checked into jail on foursquare
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
