Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
