you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
