his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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