No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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