Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
