Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
