The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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