Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she smelled like a LAN party
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
