thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
