those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
