Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
