So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
