he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize