If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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