you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
