she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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