His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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