My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
