we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm having to shit out rocks
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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