I haven't been this sober since birth.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
