Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
