i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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