I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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