While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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